Secret Service Are a
Bunch of Dicks
November 22, 1963-
MARTIANS KILL
PRESIDENT KENNEDY
Yesterday, the 22nd of November, will remain a day of infamy, even worse
than that of Pearl Harbor-
The day Martians assassinated our beloved
leader, President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, Jr.
Nearly a hundred witnesses gave similar testimony of an “advanced
spacecraft” that descended on Dealey Plaza.
The craft exchanged gunfire
with over two-dozen federal agents and local police officers.
President Kennedy was killed by a bullet wound to the head.
President Linden B. Johnson was sworn in at 4:32 p.m. and immediately
declared a state of war with Mars.
The Mars War is not expected to have an effect on the Cold War, as the
Department of Defense suspects the Martians are in league with the Russians.
All of America is in a state of shock, fearful of what interstellar
war with the Martians could mean.
I have something to confess.
I am afraid.
But one thing I know- we Americans are a stubborn people.
We stubbornly fought and defeated the Germans in two world wars.
We stubbornly crossed the Pacific Ocean to crush Japan after their ruthless
attack on Pearl Harbor.
We stubbornly fought the commies in North Korea from coming into South
Korea, and I’m sure South will prevail in the next few years.
We’ll stubbornly carry out this latest “police action”
in Vietnam, and swiftly defeat those who would oppose democracy.
We are stubborn.
So stubborn that I know these Martian bastards don’t stand a chance.
America will, as she’s done before, pull together and defeat all
those that oppose liberty.
Believe it or not, I’m trying to do my best out here.
I really am.
I appreciate my unique opportunity to report first hand accounts of historic events.
I really do.
That’s why failure is so frustrating.
I was trying to clarify one of the 20th century’s
the assasination of President John F. Kennedy.
I had regrouped after that debacle in Jersey.
I stopped drinking for a couple of days.
I even practiced flying the time ship so I'd stop getting airsick.
I came through the vortex into sky over Houston in 1963 with just minutes to spare.
Time Ship 1 circled around Dealey Plaza, collecting footage for our DVD box sets with all the sensors that Jones had added.
All hail corporate synergy!
With less than a minute left, I dove in, ready to clear all of the cover-ups and conspiracy theories once and for all.
That's when everything went to Hell.
You see- I dove in thinking I was invisible.
Isn't that the point of a cloaking hull?
Apparently it wasn't working that fateful November day.
the cloak off TS1's start-up
sequence when he hit the
button while crashing into
the Hindenburg
Everyone yelled “Martians” and started shooting at the Timeship.
Bullets came flying from the motorcade, book depository, and grassy knoll.
It was comforting to know that it only took Martians to bring together the CIA, Secret Service, mafia and a lone gunman.
bullets will fuck up a time ship
Believe it or not, bullets will fuck up a time ship.
Note: the panic attack that comes with being shot at makes you forget all about vertigo.
With bullets hitting TS1 right and left, I scrambled just to get out of there alive.
As I escaped over the Houston skyline, only Jackie saw the President go down.
the dorsal nacelle,
permenantly impairing
the nacelle's ability to
cloak, came from Lee
Harvey Oswald's rifle
Fucking Secret Service.
No- you know who I’m really mad at?
P.F. fucking Jones.
He said the cloak would activate automatically every time.
That's kind of an important item.
It'll be hard to sneak up next to Moses or Hitler in a shiney, 56-foot silver timeship.
The Klingons can do it- so why can't your monkeys at Integrated Technologies?
They can bend space-time, they should be able to keep the camoflage working.
That’s all I’m saying.
So, I’m off to my next assignment, and the Kennedy assassination will remain clouded in controversy forever.
